1. A  Foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man  tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are  CLOSED.

2.  One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before  Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD,
After Marriage - Drink whenever you  are HAPPY

3.  Three FASTEST means of Communication :  1.  Tele-Phone 2.  Tele-Vision  3.  Tell to Woman  Need  still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

4.  Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

5. A  man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and  Best Woman.
Next  moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral  : BE SPECIFIC

6.  What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ?
It  is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.

7.  Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They  see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should  KILL him.
Ant  2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we  will just  throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE  him because  he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

8.  If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your  life.

9.  Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their  MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

10.  Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.
Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

What goes through your mind when someone says "Let's go for a drink"?

 

Thank God you're a man

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. ii
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. 
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' 
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. 
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. 
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. 
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' 
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?' 
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' 
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor..' 
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' 
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Pakistani Beggars in London

Javed and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London .
Habib begs just as long as Javed but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Javed brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend..
Habib says to Javed 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Javed says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Javed says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Javed shows Habib his sign...
It reads:
'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.

 

I am a Proud Sardar

Santa : I am a Proud Sardar, My son is in Mental College,
Banta : Really, what is he studing
Santa : No he's not studying, they are Studying him.

 

Contact Agreement by a 96 year Old Frustrated Lady

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to Pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have Elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of The funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only Eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of Opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for The inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused Me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I Personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging prerecorded, faceless entity Which your bank has be come.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood Person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no Longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed Personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must Nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any Other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your Chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in Order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, There is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical History must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory Details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) Must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she Must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 Digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses Required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As They say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press Buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is Required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put On hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
Uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. While this may, on Occasion, involve a lengthy wait, Regrettably, but again following your Example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of This new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less Prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)

I never take risk while drinking
When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile
I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: Any news on chopra's daughter's marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her
I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: But still I think chopra's daughter's age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...
I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep  it in the black cupboard
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. chopra a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue...!
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...
I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So chopra is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...
I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk
chopra is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take……..what???

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband standing around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killed any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. …
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

What is the Moral/Ethical of your Story